Ever since I got married, my wife’s mother was always kind and accepting of me, I often thought even more than with her own daughter. This made our relationship be a good one where I felt I could trust her. Once in a while I will call her to say hi and I remind my wife that she should call her more often. I really appreciate how she stays out of our marriage and does not try to pry into our issues. It might help that she lives in a different country, but even so, she is a great mother-in-law for me.

On the other hand, my wife does not get along too well with my mom. My mom is the type of mother-in-law that judges my wife and thinks I deserve better. She has interfered in the past by telling us how we should raise our children and letting us know the things she thinks we are doing wrong. I have not taken it too personal because she is my mom and I understand her intention. However, my wife feels she is not good enough for her and she tries to avoid too many conversations and even some family events. My mom would like that we all get together for holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas and she is offended if we do not make the effort to make it happen. I do not like the pressure and would like to have our own family traditions with my wife and two children. I wish my mom was more understanding about this situation and did not make us feel pressured. Maybe then, we would want to spend more holidays together as a family. Being married 12 years we finally had our last Christmas away from my parents and with my wife’s parents. We traveled to Colombia and had a great time. Even then, my mom tried to make me feel guilty for not spending the time with her.

My mom needs to understand the scripture found in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” She needs to let us be happy and be happy for us, without judging the way we do things. However, I cannot only blame her when I am equally or even more responsible for the problem. I have to set the boundaries as my wife’s husband to make sure my mom and extended family respect my wife and know she is first and foremost in my life. I was not very good at doing this at the beginning of our marriage. I would tell my wife that she needed to understand my family and go along with the flow. I have since learned that is not the best answer. Instead, now I have told my family that they need to respect and understand my wife because I love her and she is the mother of our children. I do not let them speak bad about her and make sure that all our decisions are based on my wife’s point of view, not really on what my mom and family think. Verbally putting my wife first has made my marriage stronger. I only wish I had done it sooner.

Growing up in the Hispanic culture I used to hear a lot of jokes regarding who is the boss in a marriage. Many Latin American men would agree that they only provide for the family and that the wife is the one in charge. When I first met my father in law I noticed how obedient he was to his wife and decided to make a joke of it, I did not plan for him to turn it around on me. I said, “Jorge, you need to learn to wear the pants in your marriage.” He replied, “I do wear them, but the problem is when she takes them off.”

Regardless of culture and personal beliefs there is a correct way that God has established for a husband and wife to treat other and act with their children. Ever since Adam and Eve, God made it clear when he said, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). To be one flesh means to be equals and united. There was also symbolism used when Eve was created from the one of the ribs of Adam. She was part of him and taken from his side.

It is especially important to be united when raising children. Kids can tell when parents are not united and they will take advantage of this by going towards the parent that agrees with them most at that moment. Children are learning from everything they see their parents do. This is why it is so important that parents agree on family matters and how to raise their children. If they do not agree, which will happen, then they should discuss their differences in private and not in front of their children. It would be terrible to have your children see you two fighting about something and insulting each other. Husband and wife should always treat each other with respect and kindness.

I admire the marriage of President Gordon B. Hinckley because you could tell how much he loved his wife. In an interview someone asked his wife how it was possible that he let her do whatever she wanted and gave her space to fly. She responded, “He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me.” I think this is the perfect way for any wife to feel about her husband. She must feel valued, appreciated, and that her husband indeed let’s her fly to reach her potential. As the saying goes, “Happy wife, happy life”. We husbands must do everything within our power to ensure our wife is happy and reaching her full potential. In return, she will help us become better men. We both need each other to improve as individuals and at the same time we grow closer together as a married couple.

In the New Testament book of Matthew chapter 5 verse 28 it says, “That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her in his heart”. Of course we can also paraphrase this and say the same is true for a woman. When people think of fidelity and adultery they generally think of physical intimacy through sex. However, one can also be unfaithful to their spouse emotionally or spiritually. I do not think anyone plans for this to happen, but it kind of sneaks up on them. We need to be very careful and do as the Lord advised, “watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation” (Matthew 26:41).  When we are married we enter into a covenant with our spouse and God. We promise to love our spouse above ourselves and put their interests first. In Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 it says, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else”. To love our spouse with all our heart is to not allow anyone or anything have place in our heart. We cannot share our love.

The mistake that happens very often is that we argue with our wife or husband and then find someone else we can trust and talk to openly about our problems. We start to build a relationship with a friend and then it could lead to becoming something more. Some people allow place for someone else other than their spouse in their hearts. This is a huge mistake since it is the first step to breaking our wedding covenant. I have experience my wife feeling more comfortable talking to her male friends on social media about her personal life than she would share with me. This made me feel terrible and when I confronted her about it she got mad and thought I did not want her to have any male friends. It was hard to get her to understand how I felt. I started to get jealous and have hurt feelings toward her. This affected our marriage in a negative way. After going through a rough experience with this my wife and I agreed to not let anyone else into our marriage. We know we need to be able to trust in each other. I am also very careful not to let myself develop any feelings for another woman, nor let anything appear as if there is something happening which is inappropriate. We each need to monitor our feelings towards others and never let anyone take the place of our spouse. If we sense danger we should avoid it rather than think we can resist temptation. Joseph in The Old Testament is a great example of how we should flee from the face of infidelity.

John M. Gottman talks about the importance of a couple creating deep shared meaning in their relationship. He says, “They find a way of honoring each other’s dreams even if they don’t always share them. The culture they develop together incorporates both of their dreams. And it is flexible enough to change as husband and wife grow and develop.” I believe different couples view marriage differently and they do not always have similar values or cultures going into a marriage. The more fundamental shared values a couple has, the easier it will be for them to mature together and be happy in their marriage. For example, if each person has their own religious beliefs and practices it might create challenges when making important decisions in their children’s lives. In contrast, if both husband and wife share a belief that the man should be the primary provider and wife the primary nurturer, then raising their children will be a lot easier.  This is an example of having a shared role belief. There may also be shared goals, family rituals, symbols, cultures, and more. The more a couple can discuss and respect each other’s belief’s they will be better off. Ideally, I think it is best to have as much shared meaning as possible, but that would be rare. The important thing is to be able to respect each other and compromise.

My wife was raised in Colombia with a very different culture than mine being raised in Florida with parents from Guatemala. Her parents were able to give her the best private school education and she always had a housekeeper, so she did not have to do chores in her house. I went to good public schools and we did not have a housekeeper. My mom was a nanny and housekeeper, so we all learned to do chores in the house. I did not know how much our background would affect our marriage. At the beginning of our marriage my wife expected our kids to go to the best private schools and she also wanted a housekeeper. The harsh reality of costs hit hard when we saw we could not afford that lifestyle. I was okay with it, but she took a while to accept it. She still does not like to clean the house, so I have agreed to do a lot of it and I am fine with that. I actually enjoy cleaning the house because that is how I was raised. Although we were raised differently we have had to learn to mesh together and do the best we could to provide for our family.

Gottman, John M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York. Crown Publishers, Inc

Elder Lynn G. Robbins said, “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” He explains how there are many sayings such as, “I lost my temper” or, “He made me angry” that people get accustomed to and even accept as an excuse for them getting angry. The adversary to our marriage and families knows that anger is a destructive tool to make us lose control. When we allow ourselves to get angry we say things we later regret and we might even do things we would otherwise not do. It is important that we learn to control our anger and know how to stop immediately. An example is to have a plan to say to our spouse, “I feel I am getting angry so I do not want to discuss about this now, let’s talk about it later.” At least this way we are acknowledging our feelings and letting our spouse know we do not want to get angry. Many times we overreact because we feel flooded with a ton of different things going on at the same time and our spouse just happens to tip the scale. We might yell and insult them using criticism. If that is to happen we should immediately stop ourselves and apologize. If we are the victim we should not escalate the situation, rather make a repair attempt.

John Gottman gives us a five step model to follow to resolve conflicts:

1. Soften your startup

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts

3. Soothe yourself and each other

4. Compromise

5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

As we follow this model and practice forgiveness we will have a healthier and happier resolution to our marital problems. We also need to remember that most problems are perpetual and instead of focusing on solving them we need to be accepting of our spouse and open to dialogue. We are all more open to speak to one another when we feel understood and accepted, so we need to ensure our spouse feels this way.

Pride is such a terrible monster that we all have from time to time. The best way to overcome this is by accepting God’s will and not seeking to do our own. President Ezra Taft Benson said, “The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives.” There are many other symptoms to help us recognize pride. Another symptom is defensiveness. As explained by Benson, “Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures.” Personally, I can think of many times when I am being prideful by not recognizing my weaknesses. The other day my wife called me out by saying I should be more ready to serve others in church and I did not like that statement at all. First of all, I thought, who is she to tell me what I need to improve? Then I thought of many ways she does not even do what she claims I need to improve on. So, my response to her was, “You do not even serve yourself all the times you are asked to do something.” I pointed out a recent time when she missed out on a service and I thought of many more. Instead of accepting that I might need to improve I found all the fault in her and did not want to hear it from her.

In order to overcome pride we must become humble and pray often. We need to strive to know and do God’s will and not worry about what any man might say or think about us. I decided that next time my wife told me something I need to improve on I will not attack her. Instead I will ask her why she thinks that and how she thinks I can improve. I do not want to allow my pride to get the best of me. We should all learn to become more humble and beware of pride.

Two of the common great enemies to any good marriage are selfishness and pride. When our spouse tells us that we need to change a habit of ours we might immediately go into one of our defensive moods and even answer back that they have many things they need to improve on. Instead of listening and trying to understand why they feel that way about us we get defensive. This is because we are only thinking about ourselves. We allow one of the horsemen get into our marriage. Our pride does not want to accept that we might need to change. We need to allow the Savior into our lives and turn towards our spouse, or in other words, we need to work towards making them happy. We need to put their needs first. Having an eternal perspective is going to help get us where we need to be. We will realize that each time we get irritated it is an opportunity for us to develop traits that make us more Christlike.

As we put our spouse first we will find that they have the desire to reciprocate that same love and they will put us first as well. In contrast, when we only worry about our own needs and desires, then we miss out on opportunities to grow together. No man can reach his full potential without his wife, and vice versa. We need each other.

One of the most important things you can do to improve your marriage is to have admiration for each other. In contrast, if one does not feel admired and appreciated that will reflect negatively in the way they treat each other.

Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another”.

Some people in a marriage might think that because they are bored in a marriage it means that there is not the same love as once was there when they first married. This is not so. Rather, we should each strive to find that same admiration we had for our spouse when we first fell in love. This will strengthen our marriage.

I found this quote on someone’s FaceBook page that says we should always be kind and good no matter what others think of us. In the end everything is between us and God. I like this and think we can apply it to our marriages as well. Sometimes I don’t think things are fair because I might be doing too much, but I need to keep doing what I know is right. I should also tell my wife when I feel I am doing too much and she will most likely help me by doing more herself. I recently expressed my feelings of being overwhelmed and she showed compassion towards me. She let me know that she does recognize everything I do and appreciates me. That made me feel a lot better and in a way gave me more fuel to continue doing more.

I really learned a lot from reading and watching videos from John Gottman. I think that the idea of being emotionally intelligent really does work if we apply it in our marriage. The way I look at it is that we need to control our emotions and not let our emotions control us. For example, if we get mad we should not yell. If we get angry we should not accuse the other person of doing something wrong. There is always a positive way to have discussions. I also found it interesting that the way we start a discussion is usually an indicator of how well it will end. So, if we start off accusing someone for all their faults they might get defensive (one of the 4 horsemen). In contrast, if we express ourselves using “I” statements our spouse will more likely listen to us and want to help us feel better.

“When we focus on our discontent, we are likely to blame any who have contributed to it. In contrast, when we focus on someone else’s pains, we are more likely to have compassion. Do you feel compassion for your partner’s difficulties and disappointments?” (H. Wallace Goddard)

It is easy to think about our own pain and long-suffering we endure from our spouse during our marriage. However, it would be wise to put ourselves in their shoes and try to understand their suffering and patience with us. We are not as perfect as we might think. When we are humble and realize our own faults then it is easier for us to change and not look to blame our spouse for all our problems. If we cannot feel compassion for our spouse we should re-evaluate our priorities and make sure their happiness and well being comes before ours. They will appreciate us for putting them first and in like manner we will enrich our marriage.