Elder Lynn G. Robbins said, “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” He explains how there are many sayings such as, “I lost my temper” or, “He made me angry” that people get accustomed to and even accept as an excuse for them getting angry. The adversary to our marriage and families knows that anger is a destructive tool to make us lose control. When we allow ourselves to get angry we say things we later regret and we might even do things we would otherwise not do. It is important that we learn to control our anger and know how to stop immediately. An example is to have a plan to say to our spouse, “I feel I am getting angry so I do not want to discuss about this now, let’s talk about it later.” At least this way we are acknowledging our feelings and letting our spouse know we do not want to get angry. Many times we overreact because we feel flooded with a ton of different things going on at the same time and our spouse just happens to tip the scale. We might yell and insult them using criticism. If that is to happen we should immediately stop ourselves and apologize. If we are the victim we should not escalate the situation, rather make a repair attempt.
John Gottman gives us a five step model to follow to resolve conflicts:
1. Soften your startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults
As we follow this model and practice forgiveness we will have a healthier and happier resolution to our marital problems. We also need to remember that most problems are perpetual and instead of focusing on solving them we need to be accepting of our spouse and open to dialogue. We are all more open to speak to one another when we feel understood and accepted, so we need to ensure our spouse feels this way.
Fighting For a Happy Marriage 