Shared Meaning and Dreams in a Relationship

John M. Gottman talks about the importance of a couple creating deep shared meaning in their relationship. He says, “They find a way of honoring each other’s dreams even if they don’t always share them. The culture they develop together incorporates both of their dreams. And it is flexible enough to change as husband and wife grow and develop.” I believe different couples view marriage differently and they do not always have similar values or cultures going into a marriage. The more fundamental shared values a couple has, the easier it will be for them to mature together and be happy in their marriage. For example, if each person has their own religious beliefs and practices it might create challenges when making important decisions in their children’s lives. In contrast, if both husband and wife share a belief that the man should be the primary provider and wife the primary nurturer, then raising their children will be a lot easier.  This is an example of having a shared role belief. There may also be shared goals, family rituals, symbols, cultures, and more. The more a couple can discuss and respect each other’s belief’s they will be better off. Ideally, I think it is best to have as much shared meaning as possible, but that would be rare. The important thing is to be able to respect each other and compromise.

My wife was raised in Colombia with a very different culture than mine being raised in Florida with parents from Guatemala. Her parents were able to give her the best private school education and she always had a housekeeper, so she did not have to do chores in her house. I went to good public schools and we did not have a housekeeper. My mom was a nanny and housekeeper, so we all learned to do chores in the house. I did not know how much our background would affect our marriage. At the beginning of our marriage my wife expected our kids to go to the best private schools and she also wanted a housekeeper. The harsh reality of costs hit hard when we saw we could not afford that lifestyle. I was okay with it, but she took a while to accept it. She still does not like to clean the house, so I have agreed to do a lot of it and I am fine with that. I actually enjoy cleaning the house because that is how I was raised. Although we were raised differently we have had to learn to mesh together and do the best we could to provide for our family.

Gottman, John M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York. Crown Publishers, Inc